I just read a blog post from one of my "sisters" (someone God has given to me b/c I don't have a blood sister) that made me tear up and think instantly about what I needed to say, so I decided to write.
This new year, good ole 2008, is supposed to be (in my mind) a year of change for me. Those who know me would probably say that my life is constantly changing. It is, but usually that's because I need to get to the next stop (or make a paycheck!!). It hasn't been an easy path I've chosen, not as glamorous as it might seem, and it's definitely the road less traveled. Some days I hate it! . . . and some days I CANNOT imagine doing anything else. My life is who I am, it's what I do. My job is not separate from my being. That's a weird situation in which to live. I've been wondering a lot lately when I will actually get to stop, be still, find contentment. Sure some people say that it's up to me and that I just have to decide to slow down. It's not that easy. The only way I know to describe it is by a quote from a movie that I recently watched, "Akeelah the Bee".
Akeelah: [quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?
Akeelah: I don't know.
Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?
Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?
Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?
Akeelah: Afraid of... me?
I was hit in the face with the quote from above when Dr. Larabee made her read it out loud in the movie. It is a summation about how I feel to be me. Anytime I try to back off, I know that I can do more. It's as if this voice inside is saying to me, "you are not done", even when I desperately want to be. I want to sit still and shut down, sometimes only for a day! But. . .I know that deep down inside I always have more to give, I always can push just a little further. I always could've done better. I always can help someone out more. I always can make something easier for Joe, Dick, and Harry. I know that I have been given amazing gifts. My friends have made (sometimes forced!) me see that. I know that at some point my time will come when I can say, "that was the best I could do" and I will be able to be satisfied -- oh how I long for that day! I'm just not there yet. And that is a huge source of emotion, frustration, joy, and sorrow for me. Sometimes it's a heavy load to carry, and some days I truly feel as if I've been put on this earth to make a difference!!!! I actually see it.
But the other side of the story is why I entitled this entry "Do Not Pass Me By!". (Now if you are a dancer who frequents competitions with your students, or is still dancing, I know you have the song in your head right now! That has nothing to do with this :-) ) After reading Sus's blog, I was once again reminded of another way that I feel - - that my life is passing me by. That I don't remember moments anymore. That days blur into days (you know the days when you feel like you are in the movie Groundhog Day?) and then suddenly I'm not home for 2 months. Or, I go to sleep, wake up, and just do it all over again. I HATE THAT! Yes, hate is a strong word, but I get so frustrated that things just run into one another. I'm 1.5 yrs away from 30 (which I'm excited about!! away with the 20's!!!!!!!! woo hoo!) and sometimes I think, "how did I get here?!?!?"
So, along with my bible reading and my gratitude journal, my resolutions of the new year 2008 include trying to stop, pay attention, LIVE, and remember. There is so much to see if only we stop and pay attention. If we can slow down and take it in. . .sometimes I think I shut down b/c there is too much to see, too much I want to do, too many I want to help, and I am too sensitive, so I just focus and stay narrow. Not good, but true. "Growing up" never gets any easier, does it?? Here's to the Journey. . .
This new year, good ole 2008, is supposed to be (in my mind) a year of change for me. Those who know me would probably say that my life is constantly changing. It is, but usually that's because I need to get to the next stop (or make a paycheck!!). It hasn't been an easy path I've chosen, not as glamorous as it might seem, and it's definitely the road less traveled. Some days I hate it! . . . and some days I CANNOT imagine doing anything else. My life is who I am, it's what I do. My job is not separate from my being. That's a weird situation in which to live. I've been wondering a lot lately when I will actually get to stop, be still, find contentment. Sure some people say that it's up to me and that I just have to decide to slow down. It's not that easy. The only way I know to describe it is by a quote from a movie that I recently watched, "Akeelah the Bee".
Akeelah: [quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?
Akeelah: I don't know.
Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?
Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?
Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?
Akeelah: Afraid of... me?
I was hit in the face with the quote from above when Dr. Larabee made her read it out loud in the movie. It is a summation about how I feel to be me. Anytime I try to back off, I know that I can do more. It's as if this voice inside is saying to me, "you are not done", even when I desperately want to be. I want to sit still and shut down, sometimes only for a day! But. . .I know that deep down inside I always have more to give, I always can push just a little further. I always could've done better. I always can help someone out more. I always can make something easier for Joe, Dick, and Harry. I know that I have been given amazing gifts. My friends have made (sometimes forced!) me see that. I know that at some point my time will come when I can say, "that was the best I could do" and I will be able to be satisfied -- oh how I long for that day! I'm just not there yet. And that is a huge source of emotion, frustration, joy, and sorrow for me. Sometimes it's a heavy load to carry, and some days I truly feel as if I've been put on this earth to make a difference!!!! I actually see it.
But the other side of the story is why I entitled this entry "Do Not Pass Me By!". (Now if you are a dancer who frequents competitions with your students, or is still dancing, I know you have the song in your head right now! That has nothing to do with this :-) ) After reading Sus's blog, I was once again reminded of another way that I feel - - that my life is passing me by. That I don't remember moments anymore. That days blur into days (you know the days when you feel like you are in the movie Groundhog Day?) and then suddenly I'm not home for 2 months. Or, I go to sleep, wake up, and just do it all over again. I HATE THAT! Yes, hate is a strong word, but I get so frustrated that things just run into one another. I'm 1.5 yrs away from 30 (which I'm excited about!! away with the 20's!!!!!!!! woo hoo!) and sometimes I think, "how did I get here?!?!?"
So, along with my bible reading and my gratitude journal, my resolutions of the new year 2008 include trying to stop, pay attention, LIVE, and remember. There is so much to see if only we stop and pay attention. If we can slow down and take it in. . .sometimes I think I shut down b/c there is too much to see, too much I want to do, too many I want to help, and I am too sensitive, so I just focus and stay narrow. Not good, but true. "Growing up" never gets any easier, does it?? Here's to the Journey. . .
1 comment:
i love love love you my sweet sister. so proud of you. you are on the right path. you are touching so many lives. you will start to see and feel more, as being aware is the first step. and you've made it. mm and i walked out of "trees and trends" yesterday, worn out, hungry, ready to go home after long day at work and playschool and there was the most AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL sunset. BRIGHT pink. purple. blue. we jumped up and down and danced and picked out the colors and said WOWSERS 10 times. once we were in the car, headed toward the sunset--i thought, "i usually show her sunsets and we pick out the colors in them, but we never REALLY stop and enjoy them." so i hope you can STOP AND ENJOY YOUR SUNSETS:)
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